The Good Men Project

Guest Blog by Jayson Gaddis

More and more men I work with are seeking a spiritual path. More men are hungry for more meaning and purpose in their lives. More and more men are open to a conversation about spirituality. More and more men are waking up to what is possible in their lives.

Spirituality is a tool to facilitate this waking up process.

Perhaps the term spirituality is hard to understand. Still, most of us have had spiritual moments or experiences in our lives. From a newborn child to an epic scene in the wilderness, the unexplainable splendor is everywhere.

I grew up in Utah around the Mormon faith and was raised agnostic. In my teens I became an atheist and even suicidal. Not until my experimentation with drugs in college did I begin to see there was something going on “behind the scenes.”

I spent years searching, wondering, spending time alone, and reading books—seeking something I could not name. Since religion didn’t have the answers I was searching for, I continued my quest. Because I was so depressed and locked up in my life, I finally entered therapy and started to meditate.

Soon after I met my then-spiritual teacher, a Buddhist meditator whose words penetrated my heart. This began a deeper spiritual path that has continued today and widened to include many more traditions, ranging from Native American teachings to Buddhist philosophy to South American shamanism.

But the bulk of my spiritual life is taking sacred teachings from all traditions and testing them against my own experience.

What about you?

In order to have a conversation about men’s spirituality, we have to attempt to define it. Then ask yourself, is it possible for spirituality to help me be the man I’m capable of being?

We also have to acknowledge that religion and following rules is not cutting it for a lot of smart, good, modern men.

Spiritual but not religious

Although the United States is still a very religious place, a 2009 Newsweek poll found that less than 50 percent of Americans are looking to faith to address the issues they face today. Sixty-eight percent said religion is “losing influence on American life.”

Almost half of those polled described themselves as both “religious and spiritual,” while another 30 percent said they were “spiritual but not religious.” This number has increased dramatically over the years.

Still, Promise Keepers, the largest men’s organization in the world, remains very strong, affecting millions of men through faith-based Christian values. While PK is great for many men, religious dogma just doesn’t cut it for men seeking a more open faith-based situation.

Spiritual but not Religious (SBNR) is a new and growing movement seeking to address the increasing numbers of men and women who are disinterested or disenchanted with religion and religious dogma.

According to their website, SBNR seeks to avoid:
•    Blind adherence: beliefs that are unbelievable and irrelevant
•    Empty ritual: rituals that are otherworldly or archaic
•    Guilt: a set of rules to follow, and the fear of punishment.

SBNR’s literature says, “[We] describe a new worldview that is inclusive and open as opposed to separatist and closed.”

Seems pretty cool to me. Inclusive? No blind adherence? No guilt and belief that at my core I am fundamentally bad and wrong? Hmmm. I’m interested.

What is spirituality?

Spirituality seeks to empower the individual to look inward and explore the interconnectedness of all things. At the same time spirituality shares a view that our experiences in life may just happen for a reason.

I like how Wikipedia defines spirituality—

Spirituality may also include the development of the individual’s inner life through practices such as meditation and prayer, including the search for God, the supernatural, a divine influence, or information about the afterlife. Spirituality is the personal, subjective aspect of religion, mysticism, magic and occult.

Here is another definition on SBNR’s website:

Spirituality is…
Children experiencing the power of now
Lovers experiencing the wonder of connection
Families experiencing the joy of spontaneity
Activists experiencing a passion for justice
Artists experiencing creative inspiration
Scientists experiencing the wonder of discovery
Friends experiencing the power of connection
Animals and plants experiencing the abundance and flow of nature

Notice where you may already be experiencing these real-life moments in your life. You might not care if someone else defines these moments as spiritual, but for many men, experiencing them and sharing them can be very spiritual.

My definition of spirituality? Spirituality is a vehicle to help you become fully who you are. The spiritual journey is about shedding what is not you, so that the love that is who you are can shine through and be experienced by you and others.

How does spirituality apply to you?

What path, and more importantly, what tools within that path will help you be happy, fulfilled, and full of heart-felt service to others? What vehicle will help you uncover, recover, and rediscover who you are and give you a sense of meaning and purpose in life?

As some readers to my blog know, I promote self knowledge. That, through self knowledge one comes into a deeper understanding of the way things are. Everything is open for questioning. And through the process of questioning ourselves, we remain open to the possibilities in life.

It is challenging to pin down spirituality into finer points that you can follow and address. Spirituality is often amorphous and difficult to articulate.

Why folks have hangs ups around spirituality

Like organized religion, spiritual people can use the core teachings of their particular tradition or beliefs to avoid everyday challenges in life. Likewise, these same people can use spiritual teachings to fortify their ego, get praise, attention, and even material wealth. Take the latest example of James Arthur Ray, whose spiritual warrior retreat left three people dead.

One term for this is spiritual materialism, which essentially means using spirituality to fortify your ego. Another term is spiritual bypassing, wherein a person uses spiritual ideals (like feeling peaceful) to avoid personal, emotional, and developmental challenges.

It is human nature to use dogma and beliefs to see the world a particular way and then justify your actions that support your beliefs. As you can see, spirituality has its problems and as with any system, model or doctrine, it is vulnerable to the user’s own limitations.

What is your path, and how can you find or develop your spiritual side?

As one of my teachers once said, don’t trust someone else’s view on life, including me. Instead, trust your own experience.

From my experience, many men come to find spirituality in three main ways:

•    Through a major life crisis
•    Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
•    Solitude—spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is common for men to wake up to their true life when they have a major crisis, such as the death of a loved one, a life-threatening illness, divorce, major depression, break-ups, job loss, etc.

Or men feel such a lack of connection and meaning that they begin to long for some deeper meaning or purpose to life. These men are willing to ask tough questions and seek out teachers, workshops, books, and practices that will help them answer their questions.

What about you? Have you really dug deep and chewed on the possibilities that spirituality might hold for you? Or do you scoff it off as new age fluff?

What are your next steps to discover how spirituality might benefit you? How has religion or spirituality helped you on your path in life? Please share, as we men can learn a great deal from each other in this area.

Further reading

The Art of Peace, by Morihei Ueshiba. My current favorite book that is rocking my world.
Wild at Heart, John Eldridge. A great read for more Christian-oriented guys.
Way of the Superior Man. A few chapters about sexuality and spirituality.
Hidden Spirituality in Men by Matthew Fox
What does spirituality mean to modern men? Article
God, Mystics, Yoga: What Americans Believe Article
There is an excellent article not yet online in the November/December issue of http://www.spirituality-health.com/spirit/.

Jayson Gaddis, LPC, is an expert in male psychology. He’s a life and relationship coach and CEO of Revolutionary Man, a company devoted to men in their 20s and 30s (and often men in their 40s) who are committed to going beyond mainstream, status quo manhood and men who are committed to reaching fulfillment in all areas of their life.